SACRAMENTO, CALIF. (March 13, 2020) — California State Sen., Dr. Richard Pan today introduced a bill to combat the rising tide of teen pregnancies in California high schools.
The proposed bill would require mandatory contraceptive vaccination – with the Pregnor® birth control vaccine. The proposed bill would apply to California high school girls, ages 14 – 18.
According to the manufacturer, Pfizer, the advantage of the Pregnor® vaccine is that teenage girls need to receive only one shot at the beginning of the school year, which provides contraceptive coverage that lasts up to 12 months.
But some parents have expressed concerns about Suppurative Ovarian Syndrome, (“SOS”), which has been linked to the vaccine and reportedly causes inflammation of the uterus, painful cramping, and sterility.
Dr. Dewey Axelrod, a Pfizer spokesperson, explained there are many false SOS theories circulating on social media. “These wild conspiracy theories have all been debunked,” explained Axelrod. “When taken as directed, the Pregnor® vaccine has been shown to significantly diminish fertility in teenage girls. With 18 individual viruses, the vaccine is both safe and effective.”
Celebrity pediatrician, Dr. Paul Thomas, states: “High school girls will be relieved of the worry of having to remember to take the pill every day.”
Planned Parenthood praises the bill for advancing reproductive “choice.” Celebrity spokesperson, Cheryl Hines Kennedy, states: “If we vaccinate 95% of the high school girls with the Pregnor® vaccine, then we achieve herd contraception – which protects all the girls.”
Proponents of the “herd contraception” theory argue that, if 95% percent of a given female population receives the contraceptive vaccine, then the remaining 5% – who cannot be vaccinated – will be protected from unwanted pregnancies.
Margaret Bundy, a Sherman Oaks mother, praised the mandatory vaccination bill: “My daughter is a high school dropout – pregnant at 16 – but it’s not her fault! I blame the other girls! If they got their shots, then my little girl would have been protected by herd contraception! She wouldn’t have gotten pregnant! She’d still be in school today!”
Dr. Joe Mengele, a Woodman Hills pediatrician, who recommends the vaccines, stressed the importance of herd contraception. “It’s the unvaccinated girls who put all the other girls at risk.”
But according to renowned civil rights attorney, T. Matthew Phillips, Esq., there’s no such thing as herd contraception. “Groups don’t get pregnant – individuals do. Same goes for infectious disease – there’s no such thing as herd immunity! Groups don’t get the measles – individuals do.”
Phillips warns: “Don’t be fooled by Orwellian notions of group immunity or group contraception. Whether it’s contraception from pregnancy, or immunity from disease, these things happen on an individualized basis.”
Phillips points-out that population groups have no collective reproductive systems, nor collective immune systems. “Any theory that advances herd contraception — or herd immunity — is too foolish to be taken seriously. Freethinkers know better.”
The bill is now in the Committee for Public Safety.
E P I L O G U E
Yes! This is SATIRE! The irony of unexpurgated exaggeration! There’s no such thing as Pregnor® birth control vaccine! The whole thing is fiction! (“Psyche!”)
So, why go to all the trouble of writing a fake news story? Because I wanna know what it’s like to be CNN for a day!—ya know? Srsly! The freedom to invent whimsical facts – with an eye on a larger agenda!
My agenda? I was trying to explain the folly of the herd immunity theory, which is the dumbest thing in the history of ever. To illustrate this point, I compare “herd immunity” to “herd contraception.”
The herd immunity theory is easily defeated by pointing-out the obvious, i.e., herds don’t have immune systems. (Get it?) Immune systems are closed, finite systems peculiar to individual sheep. No such thing as collective, group immune systems.
Infectious disease is transmitted on an individual basis, one infection at a time; so too, contraception happens on an individual basis, one pregnancy at a time.
They’ve bombarded us with “herd immunity” for so long that the theory appears to be legit. But it’s not. By using satire, the holes in the herd conspiracy theory become readily apparent.
Do I believe-in “hand washing?” No! It’s pointless. Okay, sure, I would like to wash my hands, but my soap won’t work unless 95% of my neighbors wash their hands too! Right, CDC?
But again, there’s no such thing as “collective contraception.” Groups don’t get pregnant; individuals do. Likewise, there’s no such thing as “collective immunity.” Groups don’t achieve immunity; individuals do.
One more thing — the anti-pregnancy vaccine is not a far-fetched idea, especially when you pause to consider that no childhood vaccine has ever been tested for impairment of fertility, [see vaccine package insert No. 13.1]. Right now, vaccine makers are developing weight-loss vaccines, non-smoker vaccines, anti-depression vaccines, anti-infidelity vaccines, etc. Vaccines are no longer mere “preventatives.”
Nowadays, vaccines are becoming “treatments.” Tomorrow, vaccines may be the “final solution.” You heard me.
Moral-of-the-Story: the people peddling “coronavirus fear porn” are the same people who sold you a colorful fairy tale about a global herd of sheep that supposedly share one worldwide immune system!
No such thing as intra-species immune systems. Now you know. ~~TMP.
Produced, and Directed by TMP’s Midnight Minions
in association with Chapter Eleven Productions,
Fly-By-Night Management Services, and
Neurotica Entertainment Group
Copyright 2020 – by T. Matthew Phillips, Esq.
“Freedom means nothing if you can’t
keep the government out of your body.”
T. Matthew Phillips, Esq.
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