PASADENA, Calif. — July 13, 2019. A Pasadena man, David Kahane, found a cocktail napkin under his sofa — in his modest suburban home, in a quiet San Gabriel Valley neighborhood. Remarkably, he has no idea how the napkin got there.
“My Roomba has a mind of its own,” explains Kahane. “It got stuck under the sofa one day – when this cocktail napkin suddenly appeared!” Kahane added, “Seriously! Never leave the Ouija Board out all night long when Roomba’s on the loose!”
The cocktail napkin comes from the Old Towne Pub in beautiful downtown Pasadena.
Written on the back of the napkin are rambling reflections on the origins of life and the cosmos itself — seven intriguing questions posed by some anonymous scientist or nameless drunkard.
The contents of the cocktail napkin are below reproduced–
“I wonder.
From where did the first hydrogen atoms originate?
What force drove atoms to form molecules?
By what magical process did chemistry become biology?
How did the first single-cell organisms learn to replicate themselves?
How did organisms attain consciousness? Intelligence?
How many life forms, throughout the cosmos, have mapped their own coordinates in space and time?
Is it inevitable that all life forms eventually threaten their own survival?
I wonder.”
But what does it all mean?
We asked world-renowned astrophysicist, T. Matthew Phillips. “I suppose it’s all part of life’s rich pageantry,” explained Phillips. “It means everything and it means nothing at all – the universe is entirely random, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.”
Handwriting analysis experts have deployed cutting-edge A.I. “profiler” apps that match writing samples to personality types. Authorities now believe the cosmic blurb was likely composed by a “stargazing insomniac,” “Heisenberg wannabe,” or “village idiot.”
Authorities at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Lab subjected the napkin to radiocarbon testing that reveals the napkin was milled in 1992.
Asked whether he has plans for the now-famous cocktail napkin, Kahane replied: “I don’t know — maybe turn it into a screenplay — like ‘Titanic’ — but with a happier ending.”
Exclusive MP3 Recording by TMP-360!
Red Velvet Cake!
– T H E E N D –
Produced and Directed by TMP’s Midnight Minions
in association with Chapter Eleven Productions,
Fly-By-Night Management Services, and
Neurotica Entertainment Group
Copyright 2019
“If fools did not go to market,
cracked pots and false wares would not be sold!”
– Clifford Irving –
tmatthewphillips 
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