IMPORTANT! COVID-19 CONFORMICIDE UPDATE!
TO ALL NONESSENTIALS: This is an important Covid-19 conformicide update. Note — this update has not been confirmed by official sources.
RECURRING OUTBREAKS: Together, we flatten the curve. But remember, things will not soon return to normal. This is not a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic. There will be more. Check your local news for recurring outbreaks surging in your area.
COVID-19 VACCINE: The wait is almost over! Microsoft’s new Covid vaccine — the Covinator — will soon be available, free of charge, at participating retail stores. No co-pay required. Supplies will be limited. First come, first served.
STAY at HOME: Stay-at-home orders will remain in effect until further notice. Remember, only you can save lives. Stay home today. Staying home saves lives.
NO PUBLIC DISPLAYS of AFFECTION: For your safety and protection, avoid unnecessary physical contact with others. No hugs, no handshakes. Practice social distancing today. Social distancing saves lives.
GET TESTED: Get tested for Covid-19. Guaranteed same day results at all CDC testing kiosks at participating retail stores. Even if you “feel fine,” you may be an asymptomatic carrier. Get tested today. Testing saves lives.
GET VACCINATED: Are you caught-up on your adult vaccines? CDC now offers 72 adult vaccines free of charge at all #Vaxxed kiosks at participating retail stores. No co-pay required. Get #Vaxxed today. Vaccination saves lives.
GO CASHLESS: Paper money harbors the virus. Redeem your paper money for cashless vouchers at all GoCashlessUSA kiosks at participating retail stores. Go cashless today. Going cashless saves lives.
GET CHIPPED: Redeem cashless vouchers for credit towards your RFID purchases! Never again worry about forgetting a password! RFID purchases come with same day installation at participating retail stores. Quick ‘n painless! Get chipped today. Chipping saves lives.
SHOP ONLINE: Nonessentials should purchase nonessential items online. Many online retailers now offer next-day delivery for online purchases. Shop online today. Shopping online saves lives.
IMMUNITY PASSPORTS: Nonessentials may now apply for immunity passports at participating retail stores. Nonessentials must be current on all CDC vaccine schedules. Apply for an immunity passport today. Immunity passports save lives.
COVID CERTIFICATION: To become eligible for immunity passports, nonessentials must be certified Covid-free! Get certified today. Certification saves lives.
JULY 4th CELEBRATIONS: July 4, 2020 is International Workers’ Day! Celebrate online. No public gatherings permitted. Stay home. Save lives.
STIMULUS PAYMENTS: Beginning Sept. 1, 2020, nonessentials will no longer be eligible to receive stimulus payments unless their immunity passport is up-to-date.
GROCERY STORES: Beginning Sept. 1, 2020, nonessentials will no longer be eligible to buy food items at grocery stores or restaurant establishments unless in possession of an up-to-date immunity passport.
CURFEW: Beginning Sept. 1, 2020, nonessentials will no longer be eligible to leave home outside normal business hours unless in possession of an up-to-date immunity passport. Nonessentials who violate curfew will be subject to indefinite detainment by the National Guard.
SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING: If you hear neighbors with a suspicious cough, call 1-844-CDC-HELP immediately. The National Guard can help your neighbors by removing them from the home and getting them to safety. Report neighbors today. Reporting neighbors saves lives.
CHECKPOINTS: To keep our roads safe, the National Guard will soon be setting-up Health Freedom Checkpoints. The National Guard will use digital forehead thermometers to conduct body-temperature scans on random motorists. Those suspected of having elevated temperatures will be subject to indefinite detainment, which saves lives.
HALT CONTAGION: To halt the spread of contagion, public health officials may be required to intermittently suspend electricity service and/or water service in nonessential neighborhoods hit hardest by the virus. Halt contagion today. Halting contagion saves lives.
RELOCATION: Beginning Sept. 1, 2020, the Federal Emergency Management Agency will begin relocating qualified nonessentials to virus-free “green” zones. Check your local news for relocation updates in your area. Get relocated today. Relocation saves lives.
T H I S I S N O T
A T R A I N I N G E X E R C I S E
O N L Y Y O U C A N S A V E L I V E S
S T A Y H O M E
“The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.”
“There is no stopping in a red zone.”
Produced and Directed by TMP’s Midnight Minions
in association with Chapter Eleven Productions,
Fly-By-Night Management Services, and
Neurotica Entertainment Group
Copyright 2020 – T. Matthew Phillips, Esq.
“If fools did not go to market, cracked pots and false wares would not be sold.”